Menschheit
by bookwormgirlLH
Summary: An AU take on the events after DNA. Kryten decides to stay human after all, but things don't go to plan. Kryten struggles with his new emotions and how weak his new body is, whilst Lister re-evaluates the concept of love and Rimmer has a crisis about his sexuality. Contains slashy elements and injury detail.
1. Chapter 1

Lister knew that it was Kryten who wandered into his sleeping quarters without having to look up, because the former mechanoid's heavy, uneven gait was very easy to identify. He found it faintly amusing that Kryten still walked in that odd way despite now being human, but, Lister assumed, it was a habit that he would find difficult to break. And, he considered, it probably didn't help Kryten walk naturally that he wasn't wearing the right sized shoes. Lister remembered the issue of finding the former mechanoid the right sized shoes: his, at size eight, were too small, and so were Rimmer's nine and a halves, not that the hologram would have let Kryten near the shoes he couldn't wear in a million light years, whereas Cat's size twelve shoes were too big. In the end, Kryten ended up in a pair of Cat's old tap shoes, which clicked loudly with every step he took, and he struggled to walk properly in the shoes, for they were at least a size and a half too big. It was confusing, when Lister thought about it, that Kryten, who was almost six foot tall, had smaller feet that Cat, who was only five foot eight inches tall. Still, Lister was used to things not making sense now he was three million years away from Earth.

Sure enough, when Lister lifted his head, placing his fork back down in the curry container on the table, he saw it was Kryten, still looking slightly ridiculous in his new outfit: a suit where the blazer, shirt, trousers and accessories all clashed colours and patterns. Lister knew that the other human was simply wearing a mixture of Cat's rejected clothes, but he would have thought that the Cat would have given Kryten at least a little advice on what clothes went well together. Especially when he considered that Cat was a self proclaimed fashion guru. Still, Lister still wished that Kryten didn't look so stupid, as he'd already heard Rimmer being rude about his appearance behind his back, and didn't want it to offend Kryten - especially as Kryten was virtually incapable of controlling his emotions.

Realising that he'd gone off into a daydream, Lister smiled at Kryten, who was stood awkwardly just inside the doorway. "Hi, Kryters," he said cheerfully, seeing that, as Kryten's shoulders were hunched up and his fingers were fiddling randomly with a button on his blazer, the taller man was nervous about something. "How're you doing?"

Kryten tried to slow down his breathing, and made his way across the room towards where Lister was sat. Lister's assumption that he was nervous was correct, as, at the moment, Kryten was struggling with anxiety that wouldn't go away. He totally hated the way that his body responded to the fear as much as the fear itself, because Kryten had already had enough of the rapid pulse drumming in his ears, the constant sheen of sweat on his palms - as well as other more embarrassing regions of his body - and the constant tightness in his chest, feeling as though something was pressing down hard on his rib cage and stopping him taking deep enough breaths. Kryten had to wonder how some humans - particularly the ones with medical problems like anxiety disorders, much like Rimmer - coped with these sensations on a daily basis.

"Not too well, I'm afraid," He replied, telling the truth. What with his anxiety about what he wanted to talk to Lister about, the way he had cried like a child earlier when he stubbed his toe, and, of course, the cripplingly embarrassing 'double Polaroid' incident, it was fair to say that things weren't absolutely peachy, as he had a habit of saying.

"Well," Lister turned to face Kryten as he sat down in the seat next to him. "Why don't you tell me what's wrong? I might be able to help."

Kryten sighed, not sure how he was going to explain what was on his mind. After all, he could hardly say 'I'm not sure talking to you will help me, Mr Lister, because you're the reason I'm in this state in the first place,', could he? But he had to say something...

"There is something I need to tell you, Mr Lister," Kryten admitted. "And I'm unsure as to whether you will like it or not."

Lister said nothing, simply tilting his head slightly to one side to show Kryten he was listening. Kryten sighed again, his head filled with so many conflicting emotions: anxiety at what he needed to say; anger about being so pathetic all the time; guilt at having had the thoughts in the first place; happiness at being in close proximity to someone he cared about; lust at - no, Kryten inwardly shook himself, that really wasn't what he needed to be thinking about right now. So many emotions that he forgot what he was going to say, and had to sit there looking like an idiot until he could remember it.

He swallowed nervously, lightly moistening his lips, and then finally spoke. "I was lying when I spoke to you earlier about what gave me... that -" Kryten gestured downwards, his cheeks already beginning to flush. He had never experienced this before, and stopped for a moment to wonder why it was happening to him. "because I wasn't thinking about a vacuum cleaner when it happened. I..." He trailed off, embarrassed. Just thinking about what had given him that 'double Polaroid', as Lister put it, gave him those odd feelings again, and he had to hope very much that the other human couldn't see what was going on inside his trousers. "I was..." he tried again.

"I was thinking about you." Kryten finally blurted it out in a rush, immediately resting his closed eyes against his sweaty hands, humiliated. "I'm sorry, Mr Lister, I shouldn't have-"

"Ssh," Lister hushed him, surprised to find that Kryten actually shut up. Now he just had to find a way to reassure him. "I guessed so, Kryters," Lister said softly.

"You did?" Kryten asked, his voice slightly muffled by his hands.

"Yeah," Lister continued. "I mean, it was pretty obvious that you fancied me when you were a mechanoid - you were so protective of me all the time, and more than happy to stick your hands up me dressing down to get my pants off for me," Lister chuckled lightly, but didn't get the same reaction from Kryten. "And it makes sense that those feelings will be stronger now you've got hormones and all that sciencey stuff. Hey," He took hold of Kryten's wrists and moved his hands away from his head, exposing Kryten's red face. "you don't need to be so embarrassed, man, it's okay."

Awkwardly, Lister pulled Kryten into a hug, not used to hugging anyone, let alone anther bloke, but he figured that Kryten needed this act of kindness. The hug was meant to be reassuring, but it just made Kryten more and more aroused as he took in his close proximity to Lister's body. The former mechanoid really wished that he had more control over his body; this sort of thing never happened before his meeting with the DNA transmogrifier.

When they eventually broke apart, Kryten, hunching forward slightly to try to hide his embarrassing problem, tried his best to stop himself shaking. But there was something else he needed to say, too, and he knew that any form of relaxation before then would be impossible.

"I have a somewhat limited knowledge of human sexuality, Sir, but even I know that homosexuality is not something universally accepted." Kryten tried to ignore all of the stories he had read abut in the past of men being assaulted, or worse, just because of their sexuality.

"No, Kryters, it's only the homophobes like Rimmer who think like that, and there aren't many of them left, what with the human race being extinct and all that," Lister grinned wickedly. "And Rimmer's only homophobic because he's trying to repress his own homosexual urges." This wasn't technically true, but Lister had known the hologram long enough to have realised that there was no way that Rimmer was one hundred percent straight.

"Really?" Kryten said, as gullible as ever.

"Well, he hasn't actually said so," Lister admitted. "But I can tell. But anyway, Kryters, I know the real reason why you mentioned homophobia."

He saw a flash of nerves in Kryten's bright blue eyes. "Y-you do?"

"Yeah," Lister tried his best to look non-threatening, lest Kryten get even more panicked. "And I can tell you, man, that you don't have to worry about what I think. I'm not homophobic, and I definitely don't hate you. In fact, I don't think that this has changed anything at all between us. We're still mates, right?" He performed his patented 'Boys From the Dwarf' hand gesture, grinning when Kryten tried his best to emulate him, as he looked totally ridiculous.

"That's correct." Kryten agreed, smiling properly for the first time. But he wasn't really happy. What Kryten really wanted wasn't Lister's sympathetic friendship, but to hug, kiss and... well, you know... with him. He wanted it so badly that the tightness in his trousers came back with a vengeance. He knew he would never get it, either, but there was no harm in trying - at least, that's what the more confident part of his mind told him.

"I was wondering, Mr Lister," He said, wringing his hands together nervously and staring down into his lap. Avoiding making eye contact with Lister made this a little less awkward. "if you might ever love me back." He bit down on his lip, immediately regretting it. Of course Lister wouldn't love him back, he chastised himself, what a totally idiotic question! He was just getting ready to run off and hide, when he felt a warm, comforting hand on his shoulder, but he still refused to look up.

"Oh, Kryters," Lister said sadly, sighing. He watched Kryten's face closely, and saw how hard he was biting his lip, as though it might break the skin. "I do love you-" That was followed by a glimmer of hope in Kryten's eyes, and his body relaxed slightly. "-You're kind, selfless, sweet, caring -" As those words left his mouth, Lister could have sworn he saw a small smile appear on Kryten's face. "But not in that way." This time, Kryten's face fell, and Lister watched as Kryten's eyes became overly bright, and the amount he blinked rapidly increased. He felt awful, and began to attempt an apology. "I'm sorry-"

"Its okay," Kryten kept his eyes fixed on the table, struggling to swallow the large, painful lump in his throat. It really was anything but okay - he wanted to scream and cry and kiss Lister and a million and one other things all at once - but he forced himself to focus on stopping his tears spilling over. It was a lot harder than he thought it would be - sadness was clearly a very powerful emotion. "I understand."

"Kryten..." Lister didn't know what to say; he just sat there and watched Kryten lose the battle with his new emotions, unsure of how to help. And he didn't stop the former mechanoid when he shakily got to his feet and wandered out of the room.

As soon as Kryten thought he was far enough away, he allowed the tears to come, and was soon choking on frantic sobs that didn't want to stop. Crying was an awful sensation, Kryten decided; the noise coming from within his chest was almost animalistic; his nose ran right down to his lip; the tears poured copiously from Kryten's eyes, reminding him of a waterfall; and the act of crying so hard burned his throat and made his head pound in time to his rapid heart rate.

Not wanting to be seen in such a state by Lister, Kryten broke into an awkward half run, trying to get as far from Lister's sleeping quarters as possible. Because Kryten knew that if he thought about Lister in the slightest, he would probably never be able to stop crying.

Lister, still sat at the table in his quarters, listened with a grim expression on his face as Kryten howled, the sound getting quieter as he moved further away. Resting his head in his hands, Lister groaned, realising that he had majorly smegged this up. He shouldn't have been so blunt with Kryten, he told himself, but he hadn't known what else to say. After all, he had spoken the truth: he wasn't attracted to men, so it was nothing personal. But that explanation probably wouldn't console Kryten in the slightest. Still, he could have been a bit kinder about it, actually explaining that there was a reason for rejecting him, maybe actually giving Kryten a kiss anyway just to show him what kissing was like. No, that wouldn't have worked - it just would have got the former mechanoid's hopes up. Why was this so smegging difficult?

Trying to distract himself, Lister poked at his congealing curry with the fork, but, when he tried a mouthful, it had gone cold. Fitting, really, when he considered how he had just wrecked his closest friendship on this smegging ship. Cat and Rimmer really didn't compare to Kryten, he realised, and Lister hoped that, somehow, he might have been able to make it up to Kryten, because he knew that he was never going to get the same sort of friendship out of the others. Cat was often fun to hang around with, but was too self centred to ever really care about Lister, and Rimmer was just a git who was far too irritating to have a meaningful conversation with. How had he survived before Kryten joined the crew?

"Smeg..." He groaned under his breath, pushing the curry away from him and resting his forehead against the cool metal of the table. He had no idea how long he sat there, just thinking, until he was interrupted by a voice.

"Dave?" It was Holly; it had to be Holly, for the computer was the only person (or hologram or alien) on the Red Dwarf who ever called Lister by his first name. Slowly, Lister turned around in his seat so he could face her. For a senile AI computer, she seemed to be doing a pretty good job of looking like a parent who was smegged off with her child. And he was the child.

"Yeah, Hol?" He replied wearily, rubbing the red mark on his forehead that he'd got from sitting in one position for too long.

"Are you the reason why a certain human is crying his eyes out?"

"Yeah, Hol." Lister repeated, this time admitting defeat.

"What did you do to him, 'cause when I asked all he said was something about being an idiot, and that he should have just kept it to himself. He was pretty hard to understand, too, he was crying so hard."

Lister sighed, but tried his best to recount the (abridged) events of their previous discussion, if you could call it that. "Kryten told me that he's attracted to me, asked if I'd ever return his feelings, I said no, and he ran off." Lister felt even more guilty after telling Holly what had happened, knowing it made him come across as a horrible smeg head. "Do you think I should try and comfort him, Hol?" He suggested, hoping there was something he could do to show Kryten that he was sorry.

"I don't know if anyone'd be able to calm him down at the moment, Dave," Holly replied truthfully. "He was totally hysterical, like struggling to breathe sort of hysterical. It was actually kind of scary to watch."

"Did... did you try to talk to him, Hol?" Lister asked, not sure if he wanted to know the answer. Their conversation was just making him wish that he'd followed after Kryten as soon as he ran off, rather than sitting here wallowing in self pity.

"Of course I tried, Dave, but he was way past the able to have a civilised conversation stage of hysteria, I tell you." Holly sighed. "And I don't think he'll be much better if you try to go after him now."

"Still," Lister insisted. "It's gotta be worth a try, Hol, hasn't it?" After all he had done, it was hardly possible for him to make Kryten worse - he hoped.

"I guess so," Holly paused, obviously thinking hard. "This becoming a human business really isn't working out for Kryten, is it, Dave?" She said softly. "Still, look on the bright side - at least he's leaning that being human isn't the best thing ever, as Rimmer clearly thinks it is."

Lister barely grunted in response, not in the mood for one of Holly's random tangents. "Where is he, Hol?" Lister asked just to shut the computer up.

"I think I last saw him in the medi-bay, when he was crying, Dave. I don't really know why he was in there - but he probably wasn't thinking straight, so who knows?" Holly said, babbling again. "I'll just check for you, Dave."

"Thanks, Hol," Lister said as Holly's face faded from the monitor, soon being replaced by the standard fish tank design.

Holly reappeared a few moments later, her eyes overly wide, and Lister knew straight away that something wasn't right.

"You need to go to the medi-bay now, Dave," She said in a gabbled rush, sounding out of breath, even though she was a computer that didn't have lungs of any kind.

"Why?" Lister was already starting to get panicky. "What's happened? Is he alright?"

"There's no time to explain, Da-"

"But-"

"Go, Dave!" Holly shouted. "I'll meet you there," She added, already sounding calmer. Her image faded again, much faster this time.

Obediently, Lister hurried off in the direction of the medical bay, not quite daring himself to imagine just what the smeg Kryten had done.

**Twenty Minutes Earlier...**

Deep down, Kryten knew that he was being ridiculous, that men weren't supposed to cry, that he was making a fuss over nothing, but that didn't stop him running aimlessly, blinded by the seemingly never ending flow of tears escaping from his bloodshot eyes. He seriously hated these new emotions, and wanted them to stop more than anything else - even if Lister suddenly proclaimed his undying love to him, Kryten would still rather have the opportunity to get rid of his emotions, as he was sure that they were overrated.

He was so overwhelmed by his grief that Kryten only realised that he had entered the medical bay when he ran straight into one of the beds. If it was possible, the sharp pain in his legs made him cry even harder, until he became panicked by his inability to breathe properly. Leaning on the bed for support, Kryten desperately tried to regulate his breathing, and it worked a little. He was still crying hysterically, but now wasn't threatened by passing out from a lack of oxygen.

"Kryten?" He could hear Holly's voice, and turned to the monitor above the medical bay door, but all he saw was a watery blur. He was crying so hard that he struggled to keep his head up, but he still tried to listen to what she was saying.

"Kryten, are you okay?" She was clearly concerned, but he didn't know if he could give her a clear answer. His brain seemed to be filled with some though of fog, making thought processing difficult.

"W-was 'n id'ot," he stammered though his sobs, not sure if he was making sense. "Should've kept't t'my-myself. I-" Kryten gave up, sobbing into his hands to try to muffle the sound.

"Look, Kryten," Holly pronounced it clearly, as though talking to a child. "I'm gonna get Dave,okay." She had been trying to reassure him, but mentioning Lister's name made him even worse, and Holly, not knowing what else to do, made a hasty retreat.

Wiping at his face with his sleeve, Kryten tried to think rationally. He had to calm himself down, otherwise there was no telling when the tears would stop. And if they didn't, he clearly would never be able to have a coherent conversation again, judging by what had just happened with Holly. But the problem he had was that he had no idea how to do so. Kryten, in his many years living amongst humans, had noticed that when humans cried, they tended to reach a point where they felt better, and the tears naturally stopped. But he was nowhere near that point, and, quite frankly, he couldn't wait that long. Kryten wanted to get a hold on his emotions right that second.

Still, he did know of other ways to cheer yourself up, so to speak, and wondered if that would be an option. He quickly decided that there could be no harm in trying, and headed over to the large medical cabinet, hoping to find what he was looking for in there. Sure enough, he found them filed under A for antidepressants, and took a bottle off of the shelf.

You see, there shouldn't have been a problem if Kryten was actually the same mental age as his body appeared, but he clearly wasn't, and, consequently, he made a mistake. Not having a clue about dosages, and having such blurry vision from his tears that he couldn't read small print anyway, Kryten took two tablets out of the bottle, presuming that to be a sensible amount to take, placed them in his mouth, and swallowed them as best as he could without water. But Kryten's problem was the fact that he still thought like a mechanoid: when mechanoid was malfunctioning, they simply corrected the error, and were immediately back to normal. So Kryten expected to immediately stop feeling depressed, and, when he was still as tearful as before, he thought that the medication hadn't worked. So he took another two. And another two. And then a whole handful.

Of course, with nine or ten dissolving tablets in his mouth, Kryten realised that he needed something to help him swallow then, and grabbed a bottle full of a clear fluid from a shelf in front of him, presuming it to be water. He opened the bottle, his shaky fingers fumbling as he unscrewed the lid, and drank the whole thing, successfully swallowing his tablets.

He realised a little too late that it was, in fact, not water, but medicinal alcohol, and retched in disgust, his mouth and throat burning all the way down to his stomach, which was already beginning to hurt.

"Idiot!" Cursing himself for being so stupid, Kryten hurried over to the sink on the far side of the room, and rinsed his mouth out. It cooled his mouth, but didn't really make him feel better.

Kryten's stomach churned uncomfortably, feeling like he was being sliced open from the inside, and he fell to his knees, holding himself. He had stopped crying for a minute, but this hurt so much that his sobs came back with full intensity. Really starting to panic now, he opened his mouth to for Holly, but, as he did so, his stomach lurched, and he threw up violently. It was an even more revolting experience than he had anticipated, especially as it came out of his _nose, _making his nose as well as his mouth burn from the stomach acid.

When the vomiting finally stopped, Kryten felt so weak that he toppled sideways, gasping for breath. He tucked his knees up under his chin, carefully cradling his sore abdomen with both his trembling hands, not knowing what to do.

Suddenly, he heard a loud gasp, and turned his head to see Holly back on the monitor, this time looking horrified.

"Smeg!" She cried. "I'll get help, Kryten, okay." Holly babbled nervously, dispaearing as quickly as she had arrived.

Sighing, Kryten allowed himself to relax slightly, knowing that, hopefully, someone was going to help him. He kept himself conscious by telling himself that Lister would be the one to give him that help.


	2. Chapter 2

Lister hurtled down corridors, raced around corridors, and jiggled about impatiently inside lifts as he made his way to the medical bay. His chest hurt with the effort of running so fast, and he sweated disgustingly. He really needed to stop smoking.

What made this situation so bad, Lister decided, was that he convinced himself that whatever Kryten had done - whether accidentally or on purpose - must have been his fault. After all, he'd been the person to upset Kryters, so it was perfectly sensible to say it was, ultimately, down to his own actions. He just had to hope that he wasn't too late.

As he ran and thought hard at the same time, Lister didn't look where he was going, and managed to run straight through the hologram, who had just turned the corner.

"Watch where you're going, you gimp!" Rimmer snapped, just before his light bee collided with Lister's sweaty forehead, the insult quickly turning to abuse as the button on the top of the light bee was hit, shutting down his projection. Still aware of his surroundings, Rimmer, now trapped inside his projection unit, hit the floor with a strange rattling sound. He just bet that that smeg head had damaged him in some way. "Lister, come back here right now, m'lado! Don't make me pull rank... Lister?"

He sighed squeakily as he realised that he was now stranded, miles away from someone who could switch him back on.

Lister carried on running, barely noticing Rimmer's plight. The only acknowledgement he gave to the fact that he had just hit the hologram was a hasty "Sorry, man!", shouted over his shoulder. He realised that, at some point, he was going to get paid back for doing that, but, right now, he honestly didn't care.

A few minutes later, Lister spotted Cat a fair distance away from him, and shouted breathlessly for him to move out of the way. Cat didn't move. When Lister got close enough to run into Cat, he tried to sidestep so he could avoid another collision, but Cat smoothly moved in the same direction, blocking him yet again.

It happened several times more, and, eventually, Lister realised that Cat was doing it deliberately, and that he'd just have to stop. Gasping for breath, he glared at the feline.

"What the smeg, Cat?" He cried indignantly. "Can you get out of me way? I'm in a bit of a hurry."

Cat raised an eyebrow. "You can't go this way, Monkey Boy, 'cause I've just claimed this corridor." He held up a spray can to prove his point, his smug grin fairly reminiscent of the way Rimmer smiled when he was convinced he was correct. "It's mine, and I say don't touch my property."

"You can't own a corridor, Cat," Lister tried to explain, getting irritated. He was used to Cat's random habit of 'claiming' objects that he took a fancy to, but never a smegging corridor. It wasn't even shiny.

"Yes I can." Cat retorted, wondering why Lister failed to grasp such a simple concept. Fr him, it was perfectly easy: if he sprayed something, it became his. How was that complicated?

"No, you can't," Lister said in exasperation. "Just get out of me smegging way, Cat." He made anther escape to get past Cat, but the feline poked him in the chest with a well manicured finger.

"Nuh-huh," Cat shook his head slightly. "No access, bud."

"Oh, come on, man. I just want to go to the medical bay." Reluctantly, Lister decided to try his hand at sycophancy, although it made him inwardly shudder. "Please man, let me use your corridor - it-it'd be an honour to use something of yours." Lister struggled to not pull a face, disgusted that he had just said that. It sounded so forced that he presumed the Cat would see straight through it, but, unsurprisingly, he saw that Cat was actually looking bashful.

"Well, if you insist-" Cat appeared to be relenting.

"Which I do,"

"-what have you got that would interest me?" Cat asked with a sly smile.

Lister rubbed the bridge of his nose, beginning to get a headache. "Let me get this straight, man. You're asking me to pay to go down a corridor, so I can get into the medical bay? Isn't that just a bit unfair?" Cat didn't reply, but his puzzled facial expression gave Lister his answer.

Sighing, defeated, Lister said, "I'll get you the best fish you've ever tasted in your life if you let me through." He had no idea as to how or where he was going to get such a gift, but Cat didn't seem to call his bluff.

"Really?" Cat asked.

"Of course, man," Lister lied, finally managing to edge his way around the Cat and continue down the corridor.

When, eventually, Lister reached the medical bay, he stopped, surveying the scene in front of him, horrified.

Kryten was curled up on the floor near the sink, his hands rubbing his stomach. His eyes were open, but Lister could tell he was actually semi conscious, and probably quite close to passing out. The medical cabinet was open, an open bottle of tablets and an empty bottle of medicinal alcohol resting on one of the shelves. A large pool of vomit was beside Kryten's crumpled form. It looked like Kryten had attempted suicide.

"Holy smeg!" He cried, rushing across the room, and crouching down beside the former mechanoid. Up close, Kryten looked even worse: his face was pale and clammy, and he shook uncontrollably. Particularly, Lister noticed that his nose was running, and his eyes were red, as though he'd been crying. Lister knew Kryten had been crying when he left his bunk room earlier, but that was over half an hour ago. Whereas, Kryten's face told him that he'd been in tears just a few minutes earlier, and he had to wonder just how long Kryten had been alone, upset and crying. This was making him feel more and more smeggy by the second.

"Are you okay, man?" Lister realised that it was a stupid question as soon as it left his mouth. Of course he wasn't smegging okay!

Kryten titled his head to look at Lister, struggling to keep his eyes open. What little Lister could see of his eyes told him the other human was in pain, a lot of pain. He struggled to look at Kryten without feeling horribly guilty.

"I-I'm sorry for this mess, Mr Lister." He said, slurring ever so slightly.

Lister patted his clammy hand, smiling at Kryten's words. If he had managed to forget that just four days before, Kryten had been a mechanoid, those words reminded him that he was, essentially, talking to a sanitation 'droid, obsessed with cleaning and dirt. "Never mind the mess, you silly smegger," He said softly. "What happened to you?"

Kryten groaned again as his stomach pains increased in severity, and, when he spoke, his voice shook. "It was a mistake, Sir," He didn't really know how to explain what he had done to Lister; he didn't really understand it himself. Everything was going a bit hazy.

"Of course it was," Lister soothed, not knowing what Kryten meant, but still trying to be reassuring. What was a mistake? Becoming human? What he told Lister in the bunk room? Running off on his own? Whatever he'd done to himself whilst alone in the medical bay?

Kryten wanted to say more, but when he opened his mouth to speak, Lister hushed him.

Carefully, as though scared of breaking Kryten, Lister pressed his fingers against Kryten's neck, checking his pulse. He felt the blood beating against his fingertips, quite quickly, each beat not particularly strong.

What he didn't feel was the way Kryten's breathing rate suddenly doubled as he touched the other human's skin. Kryten felt slightly embarrassed that, even when in such a state, he still got excited by Lister touching him, particularly in such a sensitive place.

Not knowing if Kryten's pulse rate was healthy or not, Lister turned to the senile computer on the monitor, hoping she could tell him - or, more likely, look up - the answer in her database.

"Hol?" He asked. "Is a pulse that beats twice a second and is wuite shallow a bad thing?"

Holly struggled to find the answer, eventually locating the information in a first aid manual. She had to admit that her computer senility was a problem - before the radiation leak, she never had to resort to reading books to find information. Maybe, she considered, once this problem with Kryten was sorted out, she would have to persuade Dave to try to fix her, and restore her rightful IQ of 6000.

"It's not so much a bad thing, Dave," Holly explained, trying to sound like she actually understood most of what she was quoting. "'cause a heart rate of one hundred and twenty beats a minute is probably because he's in pain, and anxious at the same time. Kryten's pulse is s shallow because he's probably breathing too fast. Once we sort him out, it should go back to normal." She smiled reassuringly at the two humans.

"How should we treat him, Hol? What should I do?" Lister moved his hand away from Kryten's neck, opting to hold his hand instead. He distinctly felt the tremor in the former mechanoid's weak grip, and squeezed his hand firmly. Kryten squeezed it back, smiling weakly.

"Well," Holly said, stalling for time as she resorted, yet again, to looking in a medical book for the answer. "As we don't have a medi-bot (I still haven't forgiven your Confidence for doing that, Dave), you'll have to g by my best guess."

"Which is?" Lister prmpted her, just a hint of impatience in his voice.

"Of course," Holly said to herself as she found what looked like the solution. She had to wonder how she hadn't thought of it before. "I've got an idea, Dave."

Lister looked up at her again, eager to do anything that might help Kryten. "What, Holly?"

"You're going to have to give Kryten a stomach pump," Holly looked rather pleased with herself for finding the right answer.

"Oh, dear," Kryten groaned softly, knowing that having one's stomach pumped was not know as being a pleasant, or comfortable, experience.

Lister gave his hand another squeeze. "How do I do that, Holly? I mean, I've had one before, but I was too drunk to really pay attention." His memories of that drunken trip to the medical bay alongside Petersen, Chen and Selby were hazy, to say the least.

"I'll give you instruction's Dave," Holly said, hoping she wouldn't tell the human the wrong thing. She'd just read the long list of possible complications of doing a stomach pump, and had to hope that none of them would happen. The last thing Kryten needed was a tube rammed into his lungs instead of his stomach.

"Right," Lister dis-tangled his hand from Kryten's grip. "I'm on it."

Following Holly's instructions, Lister managed to locate the equipment, and carried it back over to Kryten. The former mechanoid's eyes widened as he saw the size of the tube that was supposed to go down his throat.

"Sorry if I hurt you, man," Lister said apologetically, fiddling with the equipment until he could tell what was supposed to go where. It was surprisingly complicated.

Kryten wanted to reply and tell Lister that he trusted him enough that he was sure he wouldn't hurt him, but Kryten sound himself unable to speak. His anxiety had never gotten this severe before.

Kryten soon realised that having his stomach pumped wasn't just a bit unpleasant, it was downright painful. His eyes screwed up as he felt the tube enter his mouth, beginning to gag as it touched the back of his tongue. He heard Lister apologise, before easing the thick piece of plastic right down Kryten's oesophagus. It scratched his throat, and Kryten almost vomited at the total discomfort it caused. It was only when he felt his ears getting wet that Kryten released he was crying again.

He heard Holly say, "Now run that down the tube, Dave," followed by a strange coolness spreading through his abdomen. It was a rather pleasant contrast to the burning sensation caused by the medication and alcohol.

However, Lister then began to suck the water back out, and accidentally caught the end of the tube against the wall of Kryten's stomach. It hurt like smeg, and Kryten tried to scream, but his voice muffled by the tube.

"Sorry, sorry," Lister mumbled again and again, managing to rectify the problem. Kryten opened an eye, and saw how upset Lister was, as though he hated causing him pain.

Trying to do anything that might distract him from his uncomfortable situation, Kryten moved his hands and rested them on his abdomen. But when he did so, Kryten found that he could feel the tube moving around inside him from the outside. It was a strange, unsettling sensation, and reminded him of a twentieth century film Lister had made him watch, in which an alien had been inside this man, moved around a bit and then burst through his abdominal wall. He couldn't quite remember what that film was called.

Kryten hurriedly dropped his arms back to his sides, not wanting to think about that sort of thing. He needed to stay calm, not worry about all that 'Sci-Fi crap' as Lister once so eloquently put it.

Instead he tried to distract himself by staring up at Listers face, focusing on just what he found so attractive about him. He didn't get any further than admiring Lister's eyes before Cat and Rimmer burst into the medical bay.

"What the smeg is going on in here?" Kryten heard Rimmer yell as the Cat asked "What's up with him?" The pair of them moved closer until Kryten saw them standing over him. Neither of them appeared particularly concerned.

Ignoring them, Lister continued until the water coming from Kryten's stomach was completely clear. He tried his best to not think about the amount of semi digested tablets that had been brought up too, as it made him feel physically sick.

And then it was over; Lister eased the disgusting tube out of Kryten's throat, leaving a residual rawness.

But as he did so, Lister again managed to catch the back of Kryten's tongue with the tube. Kryten gagged again, and this time he threw up, the stomach acid stinging his sore throat painfully. Lister helped him into a sitting position, rubbing his back until the vomiting passed. When he'd finally stopped being sick, Kryten flopped back weakly against Lister, tears in his eyes.

With the Cat's reluctant help, Lister hauled Kryten to his feet, and led him across the room to a bed. Once sat down, Kryten leaned sideways against the headrest, relieved to no longer be on the floor. This was much more comfortable.

"Now," Lister took a seat beside him, putting an arm around Kryten's shoulders. Kryten leaned into the touch, relishing being so close to Lister. "I'd like to know what that was all about, Kryters." He said firmly.

Kryten opened his mouth to speak, only to find himself howling with tears again. Lister patted his arm encouragingly, and Cat, after a bit of persuasion, offered him his handkerchief. Between sobs, Kryten managed to stammer out a few disjointed phrases: "Was so upset...ended up here...too many tablets...burned my throat..."

The others all looked shocked, especially Lister. His eyes were so wide they looked ready to pop out of their sockets. He couldn't believe how close Kryten was to getting himself killed, just through a stupid mistake. Of course, he knew that Kryten had only been a human for four days, but it was still an incredibly stupid thing to do. What if he hadn't got there in time - it didn't even bear thinking about.

Rimmer watched Lister closely, wondering why he felt the urge to comfort the smegger. Yes, he considered, Lister was clearly distressed, but this was Lister he was thinking about. Lister - the smeg head be shared a bunk room with and who dedicated much of his life to getting on Rimmer's nerves. He must have acquired at glitch when Lister hit him earlier, which would explain his rather odd thoughts. That had to be it.

Lister still couldn't believe it, and found himself snapping at the former mechanoid before he could stop himself. "You smegging idiot, Kryten! Why did you have to be so stupid? " It came out a bit too severe, provoking a small sob to escape Krytens throat. Immediately feeling awful, Lister tried explain himself, but failed. "Look," he tailed off, not knowing what to say. "I didn't mean to snap...I'm sorry, man." He shifted in his seat so he could hug Kryten properly, still getting to grips with how weird it was to hug another man. Kryten rested his head on Lister's shoulder, sobbing quietly.

Hoping he wasn't getting Lister's jacket too wet, Kryten realised that he owned Lister an apology too. "I'm sorry too," He mumbled into Lister's shoulder.

Lister was so shocked by this that he pushed Kryten away. He rested his hands on Kryten's shoulders, keeping them an arm's distance apart. "Why're you sorry, man?" He asked, looking straight at Kryten's bloodshot eyes. What did Kryten want to apologise for?

"I... I should never have told you about my feelings for you," Kryten ducked his head, his horribly pale face flushing red. "Then this would never have happened." Still, a part of Kryten's mind told him that, if this had never happened, he wouldn't have been hugged at least twice by the perosn he loved so much.

Lister was about to reply, when Rimmer interrupted the conversation. "Wait," He said, feeling very much like he was being left out of something. "You fancy Lister, Kryten?" When Kryten nodded in reply, Rimmer wrinkled his nose. "Why?" Was all he asked.

It didn't take Kryten long to think up an answer. "Because he's the kindest, bravest," Kryten ducked his head, totally embarrassed. "most attractive person I've ever met."

Cat looked from Kryten to Lister. "Wait a minute, bud, are we talking about the same guy here? 'Cause, no offence to Monkey Boy, but he's not exactly beautiful, is he?"

Kryten didn't look up, but added, "Yes he is, Cat. At least, I think he is." He said it with such sincerity that Lister found he had tears in his eyes, quickly wiping them when he thought no one was looking. Lister had to wonder exactly where those qualities, if he ever had them, had gone now, and why Kryten still liked him when he'd been such a smeg head to him earlier.

Holly shook her head. "How can you refuse an offer like that, Dave?" She said. "It's not every day that you get someone so crazy about you, is it? " She managed t sound much like a mother giving her son dating advice.

Lister sighed, avoiding looking at the computer. "I know, Hol. But I'm not gay, I like women. And if I'm not gay, I can't really love Kryters back, can I?" Everything was so complicated now, Lister moaned to himself; why could this have just never happened? He felt even worse when he looked at Kryten, who was trying his hardest to not look hurt at his words.

"Oh, come on, bud," Cat said. "Even I know that there's more than just being gay or straight. You can be bi...bis...bi-"

"Bisexual, Mr Cat," Kryten helped him, his ears turning as red as his cheeks.

"Exactly," Cat continued. "And if you did like Electric Shock Hair - not that I know why you would - it wouldn't stop you liking girls too."

Lister was surprised to hear such an intelligent comment form the Cat, and he found himself wondering about those words. Was he really totally heterosexual, or could he be slightly bi too? It was a confusing thing to think about, Lister realised, because, whilst he'd only ever been in relationships and slept with women, he had occasionally admired the odd bloke. But was that just something normal that all straight men did, or was it something more? Knowing he'd probably never stop thinking about his sexuality now he'd started, Lister resolved to think more about it later.

Sure enough, Cat was back to normal by the time he spoke again.

"How do people get to be bi, anyway?" He asked innocently, making Rimmer groan.

"Oh, great," Rimmer said with heavy sarcasm. "Now we've got the are you born or made gay debate. Smegging brilliant!"

"What's your problem, Rimmer?" Lister asked, taking in just how tense the hologram had become. "We start one conversation about sexuality, and you look totally awkward."

"I not gay, Lister, and talking about it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, okay?" Rimmer said a little too forcefully to be fully convincing.

"With all due respect, Sir," Kryten said, finally looking up, having stopped himself sobbing. "That is up for debate." Lister spotted a mischievous glint in Kryten's eyes, before realising what Kryten meant, and beginning to laugh. Cat and Holly joined in, whilst Rimmer stood there, glowering.

Once he had realised just what Kryten was implying, pointed an outraged finger at the former mechanoid's smiling face. "Now listen here, Kryten. I'm one hundred percent heterosexual, okay?" His vice shook slightly with his anger - if there was one thing that annoyed Rimmer more than his bunkmate, it was people casting doubt on his masculinity.

"Of course, Mr Rimmer," Kryten said, obviously implying that he didn't believe the hologram.

Really getting panicked now, Rimmer glared at Kryten, hating the smug look on his face. "I am smegging not gay!" He yelled, glancing around the room. No one backed him up. He looked back at Kryten, who was struggling to keep a straight face, and suddenly snapped, "No everyone's a smegging faggot like you, you know!"

What made Rimmer regret it was not the way Kryten's eyes filled with tears, but the way Lister just stared at him in disbelief, like he was ashamed of him. For some reason, that really got to him.

"Smeg," He said. "I-I didn't mean that, Kryten." He may have used the former mechanoid's name, but Rimmer really directed it to Lister. But when Lister turned away from him, giving him a horrible look, Rimmer felt a lump in his throat. Knowing he wouldn't be able to speak any more, Rimmer decided to walk off. As he did so, Lister saw his projection flicker from colour to black and white for a second.

Lister realised that the hologram's behaviour may have been because he was glitching, probably from when they collided earlier, but he didn't want to follow Rimmer right now - he cared more about Kryten.

"Hey," Lister said softly, as Kryten's tears spilled over. "Don't cry, man." He picked up the handkerchief from where Kryten had placed it on the bed, and handed it to the former mechanoid. This reminded Cat that the human had taken his handkerchief, and he wandered off of get one of his many replacements. "Don't listen to Rimmer, he's just a touchy smeg head."

"It's not that, Kryten wailed. "I'm just so sorry for scaring you." He would never be able to forget that look of terror on Lister's face when he first saw him on the medical bay floor.

Sighing, Lister pulled Kryten into another hug, running his fingers throguh Kryten's thick, sticking up hair. He smiled as he remebered the latest nickname the Cat had made for Kryten.

"I love you man," He said. And he did: it might not be in the way Kryten had hoped, but Lister knew that he loved the former mechanoid as a friend, a friend he cared a lot about.

"I love you too, Mr Lister," Came Kryten's muffled reply, his words having a totally different meaning to Lister's.

He didn't know how long they sat there for - it could have been minutes, or it could have been hours - but what Lister did know was that he eventually fell asleep with Kryten in his arms, feeling Kryten's heart beat against his chest, and reminding Lister just how close they had come to never feeling his heart beat again.


	3. Chapter 3

Rimmer paced back and forth his bunk room floor, wringing his hands together, his face set in a firm, irritated frown. On the monitor, Holly watched him walk, convinced that, had Rimmer not been soft light, he could very well have worn a groove into the floor by now. Her eyes followed the hologram, making Holly look much like a spectaor at a tennis match and feel rather dizzy. She wasn't sure how, exactly, a computer got dizzy, but that wasn't really something she needed to be thinking about right now. As, at the moment, she was trying to stop Rimmer having some sort of system failure.

"Arn," She said for the fifteenth time. "Stop it, you're making me dizzy. Just sit down and have a chat."

But, for the fifteenth time, she was ignored, drowned out by the constant stream of words tumbling out of Rimmer's mouth at a tremendous speed. Holly didn't know if he was talking to her or not, and it didn't really matter.

"How dare he say such a thing! I'm not gay, I can't be gay. Father said so himself that it's not possible for a Rimmer to have gay children. There certainly weren't any gays on Io. Yes, I should have told the smarmy gimboid that - that'd wipe that stupid smile off of his face. How can I be gay if no one on the whole of the colony was?..."

As she watched him, Holly noticed that something wasn't right with Rimmer's programme. It wasn't that obvious, and she was certain that you would have to be concentrating hard to notice it. Every few seconds, Rimmer's projection flicked from colour to monochrome for a micro seconds, before going back to normal. She knew that, at some point, she would have to run a diagnstic on the hologram, but that couldn't happen beofre she calmed him down. Which, judging by how quickly Rimmer was speaking, might take her rather a long time.

"...And why was Lister joining in? That gimp should know more than anyone else just how hetero I am - we've shared a room for years, and not once have I ever done anything remotely gay. Just 'cause I've only had it once, and he was always shagging some woman or another, he thinks that must make me gay? It's ridiculous! And totally flawed logic, because he doesn't think the Cat's gay, even though he's never even had sex once, and is totally effeminate. Yes, I bet that stupid moggy is too, just like Kryten. And why did Kryten have to get so upset - I only spoke the truth, did what father taught me to do..."

Holly sighed, and called out his name for the sixteenth time. "Arnold..."

"...and then Lister gave me that look, like he was disgusted with me, even though I was being far from dis-"

"Arn!" With a sudden burst of inspiration, Holly took control of Rimmer's programme, and froze him on the spot, completly paralysing his limbs. She left his head free so he could speak, although that might have been a mistake.

Rimmer swivelled his eyes in Holly's direction, giving her a hideous look. If there was one thing he hated more than people casting doubt on his sexual identity, it was irritating gits of computers taking over his programme without his permission. One thing was certain, Rimmer considered: he was going to kill her later.

"What the smeg are you doing, Holly?" He gasped, suddenly aware of how fast his heart was beating. He hadn't realised just how angry he had been.

"I want you to listen to me, Arn," she said sincerly, looking the hologram straight in the eyes.

Rimmer furrowed his eyebrows, titling his head as far to one side he could with such resitrcted movement, "I am listening to you, you senile gimboid,"

"No, I meant before now," Holly said. "You were getting really wound up - I was worried that you were goign to break, or something."

Rimmer sighed, his head beginning to pound. "I'm fine, Hol, really. I just got a bit out of control. I was just so angry about what happened." Feeling his face begin to heat up, Rimmer really wished that he could move so he could run away and hide. Instead, he just ducked his head. "I hate it when people say that I'm gay."

"Why, Arn?" Holly asked. "Why does it bother you so much?"

"Becasue I'm not gay!" Rimmer cried. "Why can't people understand that?"

"But why does it matter? Why does this scare you so much?" Holly remembered something that Rimmer had been babbling about, and suddenly everything made sense. She had to wonder how she hadn't thought of it beofre. "This is all bwcasue of your father, isn't it Arn?"

Rimmer's eyes widened, giving him the look of a psychopath. His head snapped up so he could look at Holly again.. "What about my father?" He demanded.

"You're scared of what he would say if you were gay, aren't you?" Holly asked. "You're terrified of disapointing him in another way-"

"You don't know what you're talking about, Holly," Rimmer said, his headache getting worse. "Just leave me alone."

"But, Arn-" Holly insisted, trying to get through to him. She couldn't help Rimmer if he bit her head off every time she spoke.

"Shut up, Holly! Just go away and leave me in peace." Why had she mentioned his father?

Holly sighed. When Rimmer got like this, she knew it was impossible to reason with him. "Alright, Arn," She released him from her grip, and faded from the monitor, hoping that, at some point, Rimmer would understand why he was so homophobic.

As soon as he regained control of his body, Rimmer's legs gave way, and he fell to the floor, gasping for breath. He felt much like he did after Queeg took over his body, but this time he hadn't ran three miles, instead he'd just had an argument. Although it wasn't just an argument, more like a smegging attack. Holly had no right to take over his body, and certainly not to pry into his private affairs.

The very mention of Rimmer's father made his heart palpitate with nerves, and now Holly was gone, he was left to deal with that anxiety on his own. Slowly and with great effort, Rimmer crawled across the bunk room floor and collapsed onto his bed, images from the back of his mind resurfacing before his eyes. He screwed his eyes up tightly, begging them to go away, for his mind to block them out like it used to. But it was futile; his mental barriers were breaking down. Not knowing what else to do, Rimmer curled up into a ball, rocking himself from side to side, and waited it out...

_...He was back on Io, dressed in an oversized sports kit that used to belong to his tweleve year old brother Howard. All around him, parents stood watching as he and another boy took part in a skipping competition. The winner would be the next captain of the school skipping team, and Rimmer knew it wasn't going to be him, but he tried his best anyway. Eyes scanning the crowd, Rimmer saw his parents watching him, and dedcided to show off slightly, effortlessly switching to skipping backwards. His opponent chose that moment to watch Rimmer's rope instead of his own, and tripped over his feet. He went sprawling to the floor, and Rimmer was crowned the new skipping team captain. He smiled bashfully as he was awarded the small badge to pin onto his blazer, and went over to his parents. His mother gave him a fleeting smile, but didn't congratulate him, and his father... his father shoved him in the chest, telling Rimmer very firmly that "Real men don't skip,". He was sent to bed without supper..._

_...And then he was twelve years old, crying his eyes out as his father ripped his paintings to shreds. Howard and Frank watched from the doorway, laughing at him, calling him names. His father heartily encouraged their taunts, allowing them to say things that made Rimmer cry even harder. Mr Rimmer told him over and over again that painters were all queers, and if he didn't stop painting, he might turn into one. But, as his father told him that Rimmers didn't have queer children, he was going to stamp out this behaviour before it got too far. Mr Rimmer called him a queer, smacked him across the face, and sent him to bed without supper..._

_...Then it was dark. Rimmer was fourteen and seven months, just weeks before he divorced his parents. He was in the back garden at night, kissing his boyfriend Sam. It was the summer holidays, and Rimmer had been allowed to bring a friend back from boarding school, as his parents thought some male company - escpecially from someone as sporty and fit as Sam - would do him good. But they didn't know the whole story, and Rimmer knew that he was going to get caught at some point, but that was part of the fun. Sam pushed him up against a tree, sliding a hand up under his shirt, and Rimmer moaned loudly. _

_Suddenly, the security lights turned on, and Rimmer heard a gunshot. His father came storming across the lawn towards the two teenagers, angrier than Rimmer had ever seen him before. Rimmer whispered for Sam to run for it, but he didn't have time: Mr Rimmer grabbed Sam by the scruff of his collar._

_"Not so fast!" He hissed, and Sam stopped struggling. "So," Mr Rimmer looked from his son, to Sam, and back again. "You're not his friend, are you? You're turning my son, a Rimmer, into a faggot."_

_"No!" Rimmer sqeaked. "I asked Sam out. It was all me, father." Rimmer lied, knowing what was about to happen, but hoping it would only be him who got hurt. "Please, let him go, sir."_

_His father gave him a disgusted look. "Very well. You, boy," He poked Sam in the chest. "Get your things and go - and __never come back to my house. Ever. And think yourself lucky that I'm not telling your parents about this."_

_"W-what about Arnie?" Sam whimpered. _

_"Don't worry about Arnie," Mr Rimmer mimicked him. "I'll make sure he never tempts other men down his perverted path."_

_Sam gulped, looking at Rimmer apologetically._

_"Please go." Rimmer implored him, and Sam broke into a run, soon out of Rimmer's sight._

_His father moved forward, and punched Rimmer in the face. He fell backwards into the tree, banging his head hard._

_"What is it with you, Arnold?" Mr Rimmer said, loudly enough to sound threatening, but not loudly enough to attract attention from inside the house. "Why must you carry on like this? I thought you learned your lesson when I tore up your paintings, but now look at you - tempting other boys to join in your perverted activities."_

_"I'm sorry father." Rimmer whimpered, wiping his bloody nose on the cuff of his shirt. "B-but I love Sam, I can't help how I feel." He knew he was being far too brave, but since going out with Sam, he'd grown a little bolder._

_"Love?!" Mr Rimmer hissed, giving his son's hip a hard kick. Rimmer had to bite his lip to muffle the scream as he heard the bone crunch.. "How can that be love? Love is between a man and a woman, not two men. You disgust me, Arnold."_

_Mr Rimmer kicked at him, again, and again, and again. He curled into a ball, but he was still hit in the back, the arms, the legs, each kick bruising and tearing his skin. His father spat on him, and left him there all night. Soon, he passed out from the cold._

_When he came round, Rimmer was in hospital. He soon found that he had broken six ribs and his pelvis, had concussion, and had developed pneumonia from being in the cold all night. He was kept in intensive care on a ventilator for six weeks as his lungs healed, and not once was he visited by his family. Or Sam. In fact, he never saw Sam again. But, at least, this time they gave him his supper._

Rimmer's eyes shot open, and he quickly rolled over, stuck his head over the side of the bunk, and threw up violently. He didn't even know that holograms could be sick, but it felt as authentic as when he had been alive. Shivering, Rimmer took a closer look, and reaslised that his vomit was black and white. He raised his shaking hands to his face and saw that they too were monochrome, and rather blurry around the edges.

"S-s-s-smeg," He groaned, his voice thick with static.

He groaned even louder as the Cat danced his way into the bunk room, oblivious to the fact that it was the middle of the night, and that, had he not been having a major malfunction, Rimmer would have been asleep.

"Hey, Non-Bud!" Cat cried, coming to a stop next to Rimmer's bunk. He instantly saw that something was wrong, but was intrigued, rather than sympathetic. "Why're you black and white? I think it suits you, 'cause you're always so dull and boring."

Rimmer scowled at him, but his eyesbrows wouldn't move as far as he would have liked. "There's s-s-s-something wro-o-o-ong wi..th m'progr-r-r-r-amme, C-cat," He stammered through the problems with his vocal unit.

"Oh," Said Cat, not really interested. "Am I supposed to do anything?"

Rimmer sighed, making a strange hissing noise. He didn't know what to do - should he get Holly and risk the embarrassment after arguing with her earlier? It was problably the best thing to do, but Rimmer was far too proud to grovel with the computer. "W-where's-s-s-s-s Lis...ter?" He eventually asked.

"With Electric Shock Hair in the medi-bay." Cat was already getting bored; he had a very short attention span.

"Wel-l-l-l-l-l, ca-a-a-a-an y-you... get hi-i-i-i-i-im? I n-n-n-eed he...lp."

Cat ignored him, grinning as Rimmer suddenly went from monochrome to multi-coloured, much like a rainbow.

"That's so cool - how did you do that?"

"Do what?" Rimmer looked down and saw that he now resembled a rainbow. It was too much for Rimmer, and he was overwhelmed by fear and memories; he saw his father smashing his rainbow necklace from Sam to pieces, his eyes glazed over, and he flickered bright red, so bright it hurt Cat's eyes. His projection shut down with a crack, leaving his light bee on the bed.

Cat stared at it for a moment, and then ran off to get something to eat. Things around here were getting to weird for his liking.

* * *

"Morning, Kryters,"

Kryten opened his eyes, trying his best to wake up, despite the insistant grogginess consuming him, telling him to go back to sleep. He looked up through half closed eyelids, and saw Lister standing over him, a massive grin on his face.

"Good morning, Mr Lister," Kryten replied in his own polite way, stifling a yawn. "You look very happy this morning."

Lister chuckled, moving to sit on the bed beside Kryten, who sat up to accommodate him. "Why wouldn't I be, Kryte, when I'm with you?"

Totally puzzled by Lister's strange behaviour, Kryten didn't even react to such an obvious compliment. "What are you t-"

But Kryten didn't even have time to finish talking before being cut off by something totally unexpected: Lister kissed him. Almost firecly, Lister's lips met his own, his tongue sliding into Kryten's mouth. Kryten's tired eyes shot open, but he soon closed them again, allowing himself to be lost in the kiss.

As the kiss continued, Lister's hands found places on the back of Kryten's head, running his finger's through Kryten's thick hair. Lister pulled Kryten closer, whilst Kryten's trousers became uncomfortably tight. But this time it wasn't an embarrassing problem; it was a normal reaction to his situation. A human reaction.

Lister's hands moved down to Kryten's neck, playfully tickling the oh-so-sensitive skin at the place where his neck met his shoulders. He chuckled into Kryten's mouth as he distinctly heard the former mechanoid moan.

Lister pulled away, grinning wickedly at Kryten, who was gasping for breath, his face flushed, wanting to do all those things humans enjoyed with eachother with Lister right that second.

"Are you enjoying this, Kryten?" Lister asked innocently.

"O-of course, Mr Lister - it's the best thing I've ever experienced," Kryten babbled.

"Well," Lister trailed a hand down Kryten's chest, making him shiver. "I can make it a whole lot better, if you like." His smile was so seductive, so beautful, so enticing, that Kryten couldn't think properly, leaving him sat there with his mouth hanging open, looking, and feeling, a total idiot.

Taking Kryten's ridculous grin as a yes, Lister nimbly shifted his position on the bed so he straddled Kryten's hips, at the same time pushing Kryten gently but firmly in the chest until he lay flat on his back. Lister leaned down to kiss Kryten again, his hands moving to explore Kryten's body.

Lister, Kryten realised, was amazing at kissing, and Kryten tried his best to emulate him so he didn't look totally naive, although it did make his jaw ache. Still, despite his inexperience, Lister didn't seem to have any complaints.

He was so wrapped up in thought that Kryten didn't notice Lister unbuttoning his shirt, gasping when Lister's fingers touched his bare skin for the first time. The gasp quickly bacame a cry as Lister's tongue tickled one of his erect nipples. Almost automatically, Kryten's hips bucked upwards against Lister's, allowing him to feel that Lister was just as aroused as him.

Kryten's whole body quivered, and, just to calm himself down a bit, looked up at Lister's face, the face of someone he loved so much, and, now loved him back. Really, this had the opposite effect, and he had to bite his lip hard to keep what little control over his body he had left.

Realising that his arms were just lying by his sides, Kryten cautiously moved his hands and began to unbutton Lister's shirt. His fingers fumbled, but soon froze in mid air as he felt Lister's hands on his belt, fingers nimbly undoing the buckle.

"Mr Lister!" Kryten exclaimed, shocked. "What are you doing?" He asked, only getting a grin in reply. Again, he tried to speak, but lost all coherent thought as Lister slipped his hand inside his trousers. All he wanted was Lister to do that again, harder and faster and -

Kryten awoke with a start, his heart pounding and his whole body drenched in sweat. Particularly, he noticed an uncomfortable dampness in his underpants. And of course, Lister was nowhere to be seen.

"Oh, dear," He thought aloud. It had just been a dream - a wet dream, as he believed it was colloquially known. Tentatively, he slid a hand into his pants, and wrinkled his nose in disgust. Yes, he had had a wet dream.

Kryten was once again faced with conflicting emotions over what had happened. A part of his mind was pleased that he'd experienced another part of life as a human, but he also battled with feelings of guilt, as though he shouldn't have been having such erotic dreams about Lister. The part of him that still thought like a mechanoid was annoyed at how messy it was, but mainly, he was upset that it hadn't really happened. It was just a smegging dream.

But it had felt so real; it really felt like he was kissing Lister, and it saddened Kryten to know it was all imagined. Sighing heavily, he sat up, last night's events slowly coming back to him. He remembered the humiliation of telling Lister of his feelings for him, getting upset and running off, the disasterous mistake in the medical bay, an interesting discussin about sexuality where Rimmer stormed off, and falling asleep in Lister's arms. He wondered when Lister had left, and hoped it was before he started having...interesting dreams.

Glancing around, he saw that he was still in the medical bay, but it had been cleaned up, and Holly's dismembered head was on the monitor. Any more confusing thoughts were put on hold when Holly began to speak to him.

"Good morning, Kryten," She smiled, but not fully convincingly, like there was something on her mind. Kryten didn't pikc up on it. "I thought you'd woken up."

"Good morning, Holly," He emulated her, grinning back. "How did you know I was awake?"

"Easy," Holly replied. "It was quiet in here - you were pretty noisy in your sleep."

Kryten realised what she meant and blushed, ducking his head. Noticing his embarrassment, Holly changed the subject.

"Do you feel okay after your stomach pump?" She asked.

"I do actually," Kryten agreed. "It's strange, but I only feel minor discomfort in my throat where it was scratched by the tube. I feel no side effects from the medication either."

"Or the whole bottle of medicinal alcohol." Holly added.

"Or the whole bottle of medicinal alcohol." Kryten repeated, ashamed.

"It was an accident, Kryten," Holly remeinded him gently.

Kryten looked up at the monitor. "I know - but it was still rather idiotic, was it not?"

Holly had to agree that it was a pretty stupid mistake to make, but Kryten had only been human for a few days, and so was entitled to be a bit naïve.

Trying to change the subject, Kryten asked, "Who cleared up in here, Holly?" Although he had already guessed the correct answer.

"Dave did, Kryten,"

"Where is Mr Lister?" Kryten wondered where Lister had disappeared to.

Holly's face fell a little. "He's in the hologram projection suite, Kryt. We," She paused, sighing. "We've had a bit of a problem with Rimmer."

Kryten knew that Rimmer had been horrible to him yesterday, and he didn't really like the hologram anyway, but he still didn't want anything bad to happen to him. "What happened? Is he alright?"

Holly explained just what had happened to Rimmer, telling Kryten about how Lister hit him yesterday, thr colour changes, his panic, how, according to the Cat, Rimmer went from colour to monochrome to rainbow to red and ultimately how Rimmer's programme shut down.

"Dave still hasn't been able to reboot his programme," Holly concluded. "But we've had a look at what he's been thinking about - he was having weird flashbacks to his childhood before the system-wide failure, but he's so damaged that we can't actually watch his thought processes without getting a load of static." Holly smiled apologetically as she realised that she was babbling.

"Oh dear," Kryten said, actually feeling sorry for the hologram, something he had never thought would happen. "I'm sorry that I can't help, but I know nothing about programming anymore, I'm afraid."

"That's okay, Kryten," Holly smiled at him. "Between us, I think me and Dave can manage,"

"What's that about me, Hol?" Kryten turned around and saw Lister stumble into the medical bay, pushing a wheeled trolley loaded with food. There were dark rings around his eyes, and Kryten guessed that Lister had been up most of the night, but had still made breakfast for him. That made him want to cry.

"What are you doing?" Kryten exclaimed, forgetting to wish Lister a good morning. "That's my job, not yours."

Lister smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "You're not a mechanoid anymore, Kryten, and you are allowed some time off." He jumped up onto the bed beside Kryten, glad to rest his aching legs.

"Of course, I apologise," Kryten said bashfully.

"No bother," Lister shrugged.

"I just thought it was a little unfair that you've been up all night trying to fix Rimmer, whilst I slept, and you were the one who nmade breakfast," Kryten babbled, getting a raised eyebrow from Lister. He apologised again.

Lister handed him a glass of orange juice, and took one himself. Kryten, once he'd decided that he liked the taste, drank it down eagerly.

"Careful," Lister said warningly. "Don't make yourself sick, man - your stomach'll be sore for a while."

As Kryten slowly sipped his juice, Holly asked Lister, "How're things going with Rimmer, Dave?"

Lister sighed, rubbing his eyes, and Kryten fought the urge to give him a cuddle. "Slowly, Hol. His light bee burned out after the overload, so I've had to use the spare. But we'll have to reboot him manually, whivh could take days."

"Well, I'll go take over, Dave, and let you have a rest. I'm sure Kryten'll look after you." She winked at Kryten, who blinked back.

"Cheers, Hol," Lister smiled gratefully, watching as Holly faded from the monitor.

He and Kryten sat in silence for a few seconds, until Kryten became aware of a warm arm around his shoulders. Confused, he turned his head, only to find his nose millimetres away from Lister's.

"What're you doing, Mr Lister?" Kryten asked, gulping nervously and trying to stop himself kissing Lister on his beautiful lips.

"Just thinking, Kryters," Lister replied.

Kryten had to break eye contact, and stared down at his lap, feeling sweat begin to dampen his forehead and upper lip. The sweating got worse when Kryten saw that the dampness in his pants had soaked though the crotch of his pink trousers, leaving a small damp patch for everyone to see. He hoped Lister wouldn't noticed, as he was sure Lister would think he had wet himself or ejaculated into his underwear, and he wasn't sure which was the least embarrassing.

Trying to distract himself, Kryten asked, "What about?"

Lister paused for a few seconds, before responding with, "Us,"

"What about us?" Kryten asked, pretty sure he already knew the answer.

"Our...our relationship, I guess," He sounded just as embarrassed as Kryten. "Complicated, isn't it, man?"

"Definitely, Mr Lister," Kryten nodded in agreement.

Lister let go of Kryten and swung himself around on the bed so he was facing Kryten's side, legs crossed. "It's just...I don't know what to do, Kryters," he said. "I mean, you love me, I love you, but it just doesn't feel _right_, y'know, the idea of us being together."

Kryten froze, finally making eye contact again. His eyes were wide, his heart was racing, and his brain was screaming, 'He loves me, he loves me, he loves me!' He forced himself to say, calmly, "You love me?"

Lister yawned, remebereing just how knackered he was. "Of course, man," He said warmly, watching Kryten turn to face him, a large smile on his face. "I've told you before. But - but not in a sexual way, not yet, anyway."

Kryten wanted to cry, he was so happy, but he made himself stay as calm and collected as possible. "We could...we could take things slowly." Kryten inwardly grimaced at how clichéd that sounded, but it didn't matter that much, he decided, because he was lying. Of course he didn't want to take things slowly, but if that was what Lister wanted, he'd happily go along with it. He reached out and rested his hand on top of Lister's.

Lister smiled. "Holly was right - I don't get offers like this very often, do I? Oh, what the smeg!" Lister decided to go for it, and, leaning forwards, planted a soft, simple kiss on Kryten's lips. He heard Kryten gasp and pulled away almost immediately, surprised to see Kryten stunned to silence. A smirk on his face, Lister jumped down from the bed and headed out of the medical bay, leaving Kryten wondering what was going to happen now.


End file.
